mind vomit

you guys don't have to read this post, i know it's long and i know it's a pain to read :) i was trying to come up with a clever title for this entry, but due to the lack of creativity and writing skill, all i could think up was this. i thought these two words summed up what's been going on, but you guys probably don't care so i'll continue on. the past few weeks have been hectic to say the least - it felt like everything was moving at full speed and it didn't help that my mind was in complete chaos and things were falling apart bit by bit. it was a time of intense self-reflection, bad decision making, and most importantly a hard-hitting realization of the lack of humbleness, patience, and understanding and my many many many many flaws. if God was testing my patience and my capacity to love, i think i failed miserably.

with everything going on, i was hoping that i'd be able to handle things much better and be more patient and humble but i was not. if anything, i can't think of another time where i felt so ashamed of myself for feeling and thinking the things that i did and through that process, i hurt some people. i've always heard that 'everyone has their flaws' and that 'it's okay because no one is perfect', but i'd sure like to strive for perfection. it was kind of incredible how hard this all hit me within the past few weeks - this realization of how incredibly flawed i am and the amount of shame that came with it. i learned some things about myself that were kind of hard to soak in, hard to believe, hard to accept. i've become a selfish person, thinking about what will be most beneficial for me rather than humbling myself and letting go of my pride. selfishness also in the sense that i have to associate myself with things happening around me, even in other people's lives. who am i to think that i have any substantial ANYTHING to think i am involved in something that i'm not?

my capacity to love has become teensy.. perhaps even non-existent and i think this comes from/has to do with this selfishness that has taken root in me. one of the most important things a person could do in their life is show love to somebody who doesn't receive it all the time. it's kind of incredible to think that perhaps that moment could be one of the most significant moments in their life, and i let the moment pass by as if it were nothing. i wish so badly to increase my capacity to love.. i want to be selfless.. i want to embody a self-less kind of love.

and amongst it all, probably most significantly, i've lost the intimacy and relationship between me and my Father. when i pray, i feel like i'm talking to a brick wall, i feel as if no one is listening to me. it's kind of weird actually, i literally feel a kind of emptiness in the space where something used to exist, live, breathe. it feels like i could literally reach inside of me and find absolutely nothing. i can't even keep count of how many times i've 'prayed' and asked God to fix this or to help me through this 'down period'. but if this is a down period, it's a longass down. i can't remember the last time i really truly cried because something moved me so deep. it's almost like whatever left me took my emotions in a sack and left with them too. before i sleep, i sit in my bed and try to think what happened? how can i fix this? why isn't God answering me? i still don't know the answers to those questions and i don't know if i'll find answers anytime soon.

i'd love to say that these realizations of the hundreds of flaws in my character has motivated me to make immediate change but i don't think i can exactly say that. not to say that i don't have any sort of motivation ever, but those moments of passion and motivation are extremely short-lived, lasting a day or a couple hours. i'll read a few chapters of 'blue like jazz' before i sleep and that will get me motivated for ten minutes before i sleep, and the moment my head hits the pillow, it's all forgotten and the next day i wake up as if nothing happened. i don't know how to keep the motivation or passion alive in me long-term. that's another question to be answered in my long list of questions to answer.

i'm extremely confused about a lot of things, mostly one thing, and i feel really lost and unable to figure out what actions to take next. they call life a 'daily struggle' but to me, 'hourly struggle' sounds more like it.